The Seward Phoenix Log - News of the Eastern Kenai Peninsula since 1966

By Tommy Wells
Seward Phoenix Log 

The truth about which sex gets sicker


For the better part of my life, I’ve been a pretty healthy person. That being said, I’m also big enough to admit that men get sicker than women. I know this from personal observation from when She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad and I were younger.

Here’s an example, when we were younger, every time SWMNBMM got sick and went to the hospital, out popped a kid. For many years, I thought the flu caused children and, with the exception of four seasons, I took her every year to get a flu shot. Seriously, who knew bacteria could do that? That isn’t the way with men, though. When we get sick, we don’t pop out a baby. No sir, we keep it bottled up for years and years and call it a “beer belly.” You want to see how much illness a guy has endured when he was younger, just look at his belly.

I’m certain that is why men’s illnesses are worse.

Anyway, before I get too far off track, I have to tell you that SWMNBMM has been on a health kick lately. She says she wants to lose 40 or 50 pounds before Christmas so she can have her schoolgirl figure back. I don’t know about you, but when SWMNBMM wants to lose weight, that means we’re all on a diet.

No spaghetti. No bread. No soft drinks. More squash. More zucchini.

“Babe (that is what she calls me right before I open my eyes. I can’t print what she calls me the other 23 hours and 59 minutes), we can have zucchini spaghetti, squash burgers and ...”

I’m going to be honest with you, right here. I quit the diet plan as soon as she said squash. I’m pretty sure squash is like grass in that human’s aren’t supposed to eat it. You ever notice in a garden, even the rabbits don’t sneak in and eat the squash? They will eat everything else, but the squash will be safe. I bet, if we planted squash at the border, no one would want to immigrate here.

All of her SWMNBMM’s sisters are thrilleat SWMNBMM’s determination to lose weight. And, to be honest, she has lost weight and looks good.

The boys and I are dying, though.

Please, somebody throw a taco on the street. But be warned if you do, I will run over you to get to it. Until then, my belly is getting big because I’m sick.

(Tommy Wells is the editor of the Seward Phoenix LOG. Everything in this column is true, except for the parts that have been fabricated, exaggerated or just plain lies.)


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