By Tommy Wells
Seward Phoenix LOG 

Excuse me while work on this jar


January 12, 2017 | View PDF

Just the other day, I was sitting at my man cave looking for ways to protect my e-mails from Russian hackers and, more importantly, trying to break open a jar of peanut butter. Not just any jar, mind you. This was the mother of all sealed jars. I twisted, turned, stomped on it and threatened to send it to a Reese’s Pieces plant, but nothing worked. It was shut tighter than Hillary’s lips at a Senate hearing.

Just before I was about to get serious and cut the top off with my handy-dandy Swiss Army knife. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad stormed into my top secret alcove and ordered me to stop what I was doing. If I had actually been doing anything, I can assure you I would have stopped.

“Do you realize that people in North Dakota are rioting?” she asked.

“All five of them?” I said quite shocked. I wasn’t aware that they had thawed out that much. I’ve lived in North Dakota, and I can tell you there isn’t anyone rioting outside in January ... unless they ran out of hockey pucks and lutefisk. OMG! If that happens ... Katy bar the door cause all hell with break loose. Listen, if they run out of lutefisk, the North Dakotans will swell up so much, it push South Dakota right into the middle of Nebraska.

As a guy who has withstood almost 30 years of wedded bliss (I know it has been “bliss” because SWMNBMM told me it has been and she is never wrong), I can pretty much tell you that when her eyes rolled back in her head like that girl on the Exorcist and her hands flew past her hips and toward my throat ... I might have said too much.

“This is no time for wise cracks!” she said. “I just want you to know, our country is going to hell in a hand basket. First, the people in North Dakota are protesting. Now, the Russians are hacking our elections ... The next thing you know, someone is going to say Forrest Gump isn’t real ....” Don’t be judgmental ... I just haven’t had the opportunity to tell her yet. I mean, she saw it on ABC, CBS and BET so it’s gotta be true right?

Being the calm husband that I am, I patted her on the back and muttered something soothing ... (like it will all be better if you make me a sandwich). Note to fellow men ... that line doesn’t work worth a flip. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a rib removed from my spleen at some point in the near future.

“Don’t worry dear, even as we speak, I am working on a plan to correct the world’s problems. Being a part of the media, I’m going to take drastic measures. I’m going to start a radical movement based on the political teachings of Sir P.B. Anjelly.

“Who is that?” my bride asked.

“Probably the greatest dude that ever lived!,” I said. “I can’t believe you have never heard of him. He’s practically made Elvis what he was.”

“So, what’s your plan to solve the world’s problems?”

“I’m going to send each of them some peanut butter in a jar like this one,” I said, showing her the jar I had been trying to disassemble. “The Russians will try forever to get into it so they won’t have time to bother us. The North Dakotans can smear it on the lutefisk. Heck, if I can get enough of the jars, we could send them to The Donald and he build a peanut butter jar wall that no one could enter.”

“Why can’t you take anything serios?” she demanded. “The pipeline companies and Big Money are trying to take their land in North Dakota. The Russians may have compromised our election system, and the new president wants to do away with Obamacare ...”

Serious? I am being serious!” I said. “If I don’t get this peanut butter jar open soon, I may have to go to wherever they make peanut butter and riot. This is serious,” I said. “I’m afraid if I put a piece of bread on top of my head my tongue would beat my brains out.”

“Are you that hungry?” she asked, taking the jar and whacking it against the side of a cabinet and easily twisting the top off - because I totally had loosened it up with all of the hard work I had done before.

“Uhhh ... it’s hard work trying to protect my e-mails from the Russians, and feed the rioters in North Dakota.

(Tommy Wells is the editor of the Seward Phoenix LOG. Everything in this column is true, except for the parts that have been fabricated, exaggerated or just plain lies.)


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