The Seward Phoenix Log - News of the Eastern Kenai Peninsula since 1966

By Tommy Wells
Seward Phoenix LOG 

The 'Curse' is so very strong in me


August 4, 2016 | View PDF

When I was younger, I had no problem dealing with the energy of young kids. They could have vaulted off the bed, done a somersault over the chandelier and landed on my back and I probably wouldn’t have notice.

You see, after having four children all under the age of 10 living in our house, I had become kid-proof.

Then, as Whitney, Bubba, Kayme and Bobby grew up, I found myself with more and more kids coming to our house all the time. In fact, we often had so many children at our house at all hours of the day, parents would come to our house to find their own. As hard as I tried, I could never convince our children to go to their friends’ homes instead of inviting them over to eat my food, drink my coke, and sleep in my bed.

Only when the children started moving to college did I realize that you didn’t have to have the volume cranked up to 72 to actually hear the television. Of course, as peaceful as it was when the children were gone, it was also a huge curse. Even bigger than the one that the voodoo woman put on Captain Jack Sparrow. You see, when the kids move on, you suddenly become stricken with the “Curse of the Aged.” Normally, I consider myself a pretty young guy. In fact, if it weren’t for She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad getting mad and threatening to relocate her foot to places that I would prefer she didn’t, I would swear that I’m only one year past 50.

So, as you can see, I am still a young(ish), not-so-fat-I-can’t-tie-my own-slipon-shoes and sexy dude.

OK ... maybe sexy isn’t so true ... but, hey, I live in a beautiful world where the king (me) never tells a fib so it must be true.

Somewhere along the way, however, I think I was hit with the “Curse.” I’ve become super sensitive to the children of my children. Believe me, after a week with Baby Mallorie and her three cousins (Zyneka, Marissa and Ronny), I was ready to do somersaults off a cliff.

Who knew three 8-year-olds and a 10-year-old could have SO MUCH energy, ask SO MANY questions and jump on/off of everything between Seward and Berlin.

I’m pretty sure I have answered every question imagined by mankind over the previous 2016 years ... and maybe even all of those grunted by cavemen before that. And that doesn’t even count the ones that I told them to “go ask Mimi.”

To be honest, Not every answer I gave them was quite the truth. Being that they are young, I’m fairly convinced they didn’t particularly care what the answers were. They merely wanted to see if I could do a flip off the bed.

Be warned: I’m pretty sure I could beat anyone on the planet at Trivial Pursuit right now. Plus, I might give the U.S. Olympic gymnastics team a pretty good run for their money, too.

How did I survive?

Well, to be honest I had to get a little creative. I swam the energy out of them ... which is pretty dad-gum hard to do since they each generate enough energy to power New York City. It took many, many hours to wear them down. On a normal day, we would get up and go eat. Then, after a brief break for everyone to catch up on what SpongeBob was doing, we hit the pool. Then, after lunch, we hit the pool again. Then, after a brief stint to let the wrinkles in their skin dissipate, I took them to the pool again, where they ran, jump and generally harassed every lifeguard on duty within half a gazillion miles.

At the end of the day, you will be pleased to know, that I only had to do 37 somersaults and a few handstands before they decided I was sufficiently tired and let me go to sleep.

I admit it... I’m kind of feeling old right now.

Tommy Wells is the interim editor of the Seward Phoenix LOG. He swears everything in this column is true except for the parts that are made up, exaggerated or just plain lies.


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