The Seward Phoenix Log - News of the Eastern Kenai Peninsula since 1966

By Tommy Wells
Seward Phoenix LOG 

I can live with being second ugliest


October 19, 2017 | View PDF

I’ve always thought the male ego is a funny thing. Personally, I have a very small ego … mostly because my wife, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad, refuses at almost every turn to let me build myself up.

I’m not kidding, SWMNBMM isn’t one of those people to agree just to agree – especially if she thinks it might boost an ego. She’s like the reigning Grinch in Egoland.

I can repair a window and tell her, “Look, babe! I’m a carpenter.” She merely rolls her eyes and dials my brother’s phone and tells him to immediately come over and fix what I spent hours fixing. I can tell her, “I’m a big man,” and look at her for confirmation … only to get a “you’re the one telling this tall tale” look.

Years and years of being brought back to Earth have made me realize two things: First, I don’t really have a huge ego. I can do a load of laundry and don’t feel the need to tell anyone I did it. That is a big deal for men, you know. To show you just how modest I can be, once I washed all of her colored towels with her white ones. When she came into the living room and asked who had done the laundry, I’m sure you will hold me in the highest regard when I didn’t take credit.

“Bobby (our youngest son) did it,” I said.

Not a single bit of ego involved, I say.

In addition to being perfectly content creating additional work for my brother, I have also discovered that I will go to great lengths to help others – even when SWMNBMM would rather I didn’t.

As a proud veteran of the U.S. Navy, I often find myself doing things to help those who have served in the military. A couple of years ago, a woman representing the VA hospital in Big Spring came into the office where I was working and asked to meet with the person with the biggest sense of humor – and least ego – to help with a fund-raising effort.

I’m not going to say everyone who worked in the office pointed at me. Lyndel Moody (the paper’s longtime reporter) was out of the office at that moment so only 99 percent pointed at me.

“You want me to help raise funds?” I asked.

She did.

“What do I have to do?” I asked.

Be a contestant in a drag queen contest.

The things I do for my fellow servicemen.

To make a long story shorter, I went to get a few tips from SWMNBMM … because if you are going to do something you should do it with gusto.

She, in turn, rolled her eyes and bought a long blonde wig and a pair of heels, and borrowed a sleek black dress from her sister. And, in case you are wondering, I wore that dress better than Merri Etta ever did.

Now I know what you are thinking … I am short, pudgy and extremely pale (as in in need a vacation wherer tans are abundant) – all of which would give me no chance of winning. It is true, I’m rather short and pudgy, and I’m so white that the National Ghosting Association has filed suit against me because they claim I leave their sheets looking dingy. Not to mention, I had cuts all over my legs. Guys, don’t let a woman kid you, shaving one’s legs is way harder than shaving your face. When I was done, I counted my toes twice just to make sure I didn’t accidentally remove any with a Bic.

And don’t even get me started on panty hose. OMG!

Well, if you thought those things … you would be absolutely right. I had no chance of winning. As much as I hate to agree with SWMNBMM, I was one ugly woman.

And the judges totally agreed. Of the 36 “dignitaries” who agreed to participate in the pageant I was the second person eliminated. Happily, I left the stage knowing that there were 35 men who looked better in heels than I.

A guy with a huge ego would have been devastated.

Of course, I have to admit I was proud I wasn’t as ugly as former Big Spring mayor Russ McEwen. Rest his soul, Russ was such an ugly girl, the people in the audience asked him to dress like a man.

In the end, we raised over $10,000 for the VA.

(Tommy Wells is the editor of the Seward Phoenix LOG. Everything in this column is true, except for the parts that have been fabricated, exaggerated or are just plain lies.)


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