The Seward Phoenix Log - News of the Eastern Kenai Peninsula since 1966

By Tommy Wells
Seward Phoenix LOG 

Sometimes you just have to agree


October 12, 2017 | View PDF

If there are two things that I have a dislike of, they are discussing politics and squash. They’re both about as fun and rewarding as arguing with your spouse. You’re not going to win either side you take, so, as a general rule, I avoid talking about politics and eating squash. I also avoid arguing with She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad because on those rare occasions that I am wrong, she never allows me to forget.

I know you’re thinking SWMNBMM can’t possibly be that argumentative and mean. And, to be honest, my significant other is one of the nicest, quietest people you will ever meet. You’ll be amazed at how painfully shy she is. When we go somewhere in public, her greatest ambition is to become invisible ... which, being the awesome husband that I am (trust me on this ... she would tell you the same thing if she weren’t hiding behind the drapes) I generally don’t let her do.

However, let me assure you, SWMNBMM has a voice at home—and the best memory God ever gave anyone. I made a mistake back in 1968, accidentally didn’t raise the toilet seat, and I have yet to be able to atone for the sin. Never mind that I was only three. Then there was that time or 10 that I couldn’t remember our anniversary. It wasn’t good enough that I narrowed it down to somewhere after January 1 to somewhere before Dec. 31 ... I’ve lived with that burden longer than most people sitting on death row in San Quentin. Here’s a warning to all young men: There is no parole for a guy who forgets the day your wife says “I do.” I really don’t have to worry about that any more as I get a text every day beginning about three months from “the day.” I have plenty of time to remind myself that I should remember April 27.

I also wouldn’t recommend being late for the wedding. Seriously, I can’t stress enough how being late for your wedding can turn the nicest girl on the planet into the Bride of Frankenstein. Not that SWMNBMM was the Bride of Frankenstein all those years ago ... she didn’t have gray in her hair.

Now, I know you’re asking yourself, why I am telling you this? I really have no clue except that I hope to pass on any knowledge I have gained from being married since long before Mars had two moons. Well ... and because I woke up this morning with a text from my significant other saying that she wanted to go somewhere exotic for our anniversary.

Uhhh ... since it is only October I admit I was kind of scared when I saw the message. Holy cow! Surely I hadn’t spent the last 26 years repeating April 27 over and over in an attempt to memorize it? What if I was wrong? What if we had actually gotten married in January or February?

Being the sensitive husband I am, I did the only thing I could. I texted her back and told her, “Lady, I think you have the wrong number.”

Even though SWMNBMM is shy in public, she knows exactly how to get my attention when she is conversing with me. She texted back, “Sorry, I was just texting my husband to let him know I took his credit card to the mall and maxed it out.”

Listen, I called her right away. A guy has to protect his Washingtons, Lincolns and Jacksons, right? It’s our patriotic duty.

To make a long story short, SWMNBMM informed me that we were going to go on vacation for our 30th anniversary--somewhere we’ve never been, like Paris.

I tried to tell her that I have already been to Paris.

“You have?” she said. “Was this before or after you showed up late to the wedding, or after you couldn’t remember our wedding anniversary?”

I may not be a smart man, but I have learned that when your spouse starts a conversation with two questions, it is generally best to play dumb. Real, real dumb. I can assure you, she already knows all the answers and none of them are going to look good on your tombstone.

So, just so you know ... we’re going to Paris, Texas, on our anniversary.

(Tommy Wells is the editor of the Seward Phoenix LOG. Everything in this column is true, except for the parts that have been fabricated, exaggerated or are just plain lies.)


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