The Seward Phoenix Log - News of the Eastern Kenai Peninsula since 1966

By Tommy Wells
Seward Phoenix LOG 

Jordan begins the next step of his career


August 31, 2017 | View PDF

As parents, all of us go through some stage of wanting our children to excel in whatever they like to do. Whether it be in sports, band, snowmachine racing or hopscotch. I don’t know if it is about living our lives through the children or not because, quite honestly, I didn’t enjoy running wind sprints in football the first time and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t like them even if my two sons were running them for me. Some things are just plain torture. And, as for She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad, she has never mentioned any desire to throw a touchdown pass or get hit in the back by a big tackler – unless that tackler happened to look like Vin Diesel.

Since all of our children have now departed high school, and all of our grandchildren are still too young to do all of that, we are relegated to cheering on the offspring of our nieces and nephews … which isn’t really hard since we only have one who is doing anything in athletics. Meet Jordan Jaramillo … the best benchwarmer Ranger Junior High School has ever had.

I don’t mean to belittle his efforts but I don’t want him to read this and get a size 23 head on a 12-year-old body. Don’t tell Jordan I said this, but he’s actually a fairly good athlete. Not as good as yours truly (ahem, I was known as “Boomer the Bullet” back in the day), but he’s pretty good in football and baseball, slower than dirt in track and, according to what I tease him about, the best cheerleader in RJHS.

That Jordan has any talent at all is amazing. His mother (don’t worry, Sandra Franks, I’m not going to mention your name) has no talents. Really, back in her school days, she was the one who looked at a football or baseball and thought they were Christmas ornaments. And, as far as running goes, Sandra was the girl who ran slower than a glacier. Really, she might have gotten lapped by a glacier in the 400-meter dash ….

Anyway, during his days in the youth football leagues, Jordan did about everything for his team. He played quarterback, running back, offensive line, linebacker and safety. In baseball, he was a pitcher and a third baseman and the best snow cone eater on the bench.

Of all the things he can do, he has learned that dealing with girls is harder than anything else.

Jordan has suddenly developed an interest in girls. The biggest problem with his new-found interest is that he is too shy to talk to them. One of his friends told him that he needed to practice talking to girls … which is all fine. At least one guy should know how to talk to girls so he can help the rest of us. I’ve been listening to SWMNBMM for almost 30 years and I still don’t understand what she wants.

Jordan’s inability to talk to girls has caused him a bit of problem. He is the youngest child in his family, and his older siblings are both boys. And since his dad is a guy, that leaves only his mother to talk to. I’m thinking it is hard to ask your mother out on a date?

Being the good uncle that I am, I stepped in while I was down in Texas preparing our house for the rain we hope we don’t get from Tropical Storm Harvey. I bought him a full-length mirror, a dress and a wig. Now all he has to do is put the dress on and talk to himself in the mirror.

“Just put the wig and dress on and talk,” I told him. “Then, when you are done, put your other clothes on and answer yourself. Just keep doing that until you get the hang of it.”

“I’m thinking I’m not going to do that,” he said.

“You want to ask your mother out?” I asked.

“Yuck! That’s gross, Uncle Tommy!” he said.

So we came to a standstill. He was too shy to talk to anyone and too stubborn to wear the wig.

I whipped out my phone and dialed his number quickly. Since he was standing right next to me, I knew he couldn’t pretend he didn’t get the call.

“Uncle Tommy, you’re standing right there,” he said. “Why are you calling me.”

“All you have to do is call her and say ‘Jordan (the girl’s name is Jordan, too), do you want to get a hamburger with me at the football game on Thursday?’”

He agreed that would be easy.

Still talking into the phone, I asked him what he was going to say.

“I’m going to say, ‘Would you like to go out and eat with me?’” he said.

With a huge smile I told him that wouldn’t work.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because I’m already married and I don’t think SWMNBMM would like it if I went out with you. You should probably ask that girl in the mirror.”

He rolled his eyes.

“At least she won’t tell you no, and more than likely she won’t mind if you only have enough money to buy yourself a hamburger,” I told him.

I think I’m going to his next game just so I can watch him get turned down by his own reflection. Not that I would ever tease him about it.

(Tommy Wells is the editor of the Seward Phoenix LOG. Everything in this column is true, except for the parts that have been fabricated, exaggerated or are just plain lies.)


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