The Seward Phoenix Log - News of the Eastern Kenai Peninsula since 1966

By Tommy Wells
Seward Phoenix LOG 

Are you ready for the party to start


Everyone loves a parade and fireworks. Well, unless you are the one that gets a really short fuse on the firecracker … then you probably aren’t going to be real happy. Of course, since we live in a place where there is some serious fire danger, let’s forget the fireworks and focus on the parade. I promise, there are some firefighters who will put you on their Christmas lists if you do.

We are quickly approaching the Independence Day activities … but are we ready? I mean, do you have your flags, your red, white and blue hat and sunglasses?

I admit it … I haven’t gotten mine yet. Wearing any kind of glasses is tough for a guy who already wears glasses. Plus, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad said I shouldn’t wear anything red because it makes me look plump. Of course, she also said that about every other color in the Crayola box …

Anyway, with the Independence Day holiday coming up, my two sons and I were wondering if everyone was really ready. The only way to find out if you are ready is to take a quick test. So pick up your pencils.

No cheating.

1. What are the official colors of the July 4th activities?

a) Red, white and blue

b) Red and blue

c) Red, black and blue after coming off Mt. Marathon

d) Depends on which branch of the service you were in

2. Who is going to win the men’s and women’s Mount Marathon Race?

a) Me

b) Anyone but me

c) Grant Gustin

d) Write your pick here ____________

3. Where is the best place to watch the annual parade from?

a) on Fourth Avenue

b) Sitting on your spouse’s shoulders

c) Honolulu

d) On the LOG’s Facebook video post

4. Thomas Jefferson ratified the U.S. Constitution in what year?

a) 1776

b) 1976

c) 1767

d) He didn’t

5. How did the Mount Marathon Race get started?

a) A bartender told the runners to ‘go.’

b) A bar bet

c) Husband answered the “Fat” question wrong

d) Someone built the only working toilet up there

6. What would draw more people to the parade?

a) Kate Upton in a red swimsuit

b) Kate Upton in a blue swimsuit

c) Kate Upton in a white swimsuit

d) Kate Upton

7. Why do the mermaids ride in the parade?

a) Dude, they don’t have legs

b) Mayor Bardarson ordered them to do so

c) Fastest way to the SeaLife Center

d) Just for the halibut

8. Whom was Seward named for?

a) Franklin Delano Roosevelt

b) William H. Seward

c) Seward, Nebraska

d) Clint Eastwood … because you wouldn’t want to argue with him

9. How do you prepare your BBQ on July 4?

a) Make the wife do it

b) Do it because the wife made you

c) Go to a neighbor’s and eat theirs

d) Where does your neighbor live?

10. What is the best thing about the finish of the parade?

a) You can stand at the finish line in your new T-shirt and act like you actually climbed the mountain

b) You can get a mermaid’s autograph

c) You can photobomb everyone

d) Football season is coming

BONUS: If Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and your wife/husband all raced up Mt. Marathon, who would win?

a) Thomas Jefferson

b) George Washington

c) Benjamin Franklin

d) Wife/Husband

Put your pencils down. The test is over so please pass your papers forward. OMG! Someone needs to work on their penmanship … oh wait, that was me. Anyway, here’s how the scoring goes … you get 10 points for every right answer. There’s no grading on the curve. You get what you get.

ANSWERS: 1. A (you can get 5 points if you said C); 2. B (honesty is the best policy); 3. A (But if you promise to give us a Like on Facebook I’ll look the other way); 4. D (read the question again); 5.

B (but if you answered the “Fat” question you’ll be too busy running to worry about points); 6. A, B, C or D (if you circled anything give yourself 10 points); 7. A or D; 8. B (but I wouldn’t argue with Clint Eastwood); 9. B or C; 10. D (although B will get you 5 points). BONUS: D (All of the others are dead).

RESULTS: If you scored between 95-110: You are ready to get the party started. If you scored between 75-94: You can go to the party with a chaperone. If you scored between 45-74, you may have started the party a bit too early. If you scored between 0 and 44, you answered the “Fat” question wrong and weren’t able to finish.

(Tommy Wells is the editor of the Seward Phoenix LOG. Everything in this column is true, except for the parts that have been fabricated, exaggerated or are just plain lies.)


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