My sister-in-law is officially an O.L.D


I’m sure we all know someone who believes everything they hear, ergardless if it sounds like it had just come out of Kevin Hart’s joke book. For the most part, these people are usually the life of the party because they keep people laughing.

I’m not going to tell you that She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad is gullible (because I want to be able to wake up tomorrow) or that my youngest daughter, Kayme falls for every joke on the planet - which she does. No, I’m going to tell you about the champion of them all - my sister-n-law. Maybe it stems from the fact that she was hatched in the desert or because she watched too much television as a kid, but Renee is one of those people you can tell her the Earth is flat and she’ll believe it.

Let me take you back a few years when Renee was younger - she’s old as dirt today because she is having a birthday (and don’t worry, Renee, I’m not even going to tell anyone you are 52 so you can rest easy). See, when Renee was younger and growing up in the desert of West Texas, she rarely ever had anything to drink. Maybe never. Well, to make a long story short, all 4-foot-9 and 90 pounds of the shyest and most-reserved person ever born met my younger brother. They got hitched, had a son and moved off to near Austin. That brings us to a Christmas a few years back when they came to visit. Since SWMNBMM and I were late getting there, Renee was trying to be as sociable and friendly as she could, she accepted a “shot” of something that rhymes with vodka from my ancient sister’s husband, John Wayne Carraway (Hey! We’re in Texas. John Wayne is an acceptable name). He did, however, tell her that it had to be swallowed fast “because they it is the way it is done.” Being a huge practical joker, John Wayne decided to give her the “shot” in a regular glass - filled to the top. Naturally, Renee turned the glass up, and despite more than a few spits and sputters, finished the glass.

By this time, my brother leans in and tells her, “Babe, he’s messing with you.”

Of course, by this time, Renee doesn’t care who is messing with her.

So John Wayne pours her another drink, mixing this one with a bit of orange juice. And Renee finished it.

Let me back up for just a moment. I probably should have mentioned that John Wayne was one of those guys that women find naturally attractive. He was charming and funny and - so I have been told - a handsome guy.

Well, as the drink kicked in, Renee sat down by John Wayne, leaned her head in and said, “I don’t know what that was you gave me, but it was pretty strong.” Almost immediately after, she blurts out, “Are you my baby?” which, of course, caused my younger brother to fall in the floor and break out into hysterical laughter.

When SWMNBMM and I arrived, we walked up on the porch to see Renee leaning over the edge of the porch, wishing there was a porcelain god to pray to.

“What the heck is wrong with her?” I asked my brother, who was still laughing.

“She got old,” he said.

“Old?” I asked, thinking it might be something that SWMNBMM might catch. I’m not kidding, SWMNBMM scared the heck out of me with her ability to catch things. She could walk into a nursery when she was young and come out expecting.

“Old Lady - Drunk.” he said.

To say the least, Renee was sick for days afterward. To this day, as far as I know, she has yet to touch anything stronger that fruit-flavored water.

Make no mistake about it. any time the family gets together someone brings up the O.L.D. story and we all laugh.

Happy birthday, Renee. Now you’re old - but I bet you haven’t been O.L.D. again, have you?”

(Tommy Wells is the editor of the Seward Phoenix LOG. Everything in this column is true, except for the parts that have been fabricated, exaggerated or are just plain lies.)


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