The Seward Phoenix Log - News of the Eastern Kenai Peninsula since 1966

By Tommy Wells
Interim Editor 

The truth isn't always how it sounds


For those of you who know me, this admission will come as no surprise. Despite my manly physique and outdoorsy look, I'm really a wuss when it comes to pain.

I know it is hard for you to fathom, but it is true. There are only three things in this world that really freak me out: pain, those crazy catfish on the television show "River Monsters and She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad.

But mostly it is pain ... unless someone happens to bring one of the Amazon catfish near me, then it's pretty much that. I promise I will cover every orifice on my body in duct tape and run away like a frightened child at Halloween. I cannot believe as a kid, I used to swim in lakes and rivers with catfish...

Anyway, as I was telling you, pain is my Kryptonite. I may well be the only sailor alive who went to get a tattoo but backed out of the tattoo shop with eyes wide open with fear after my buddy winced - or was it a flinch - while getting his. I'm sorry, there just isn't an alligator carrying a ship tattoo anywhere that is worth the a grimace of pain. I'll draw it on with an ink pen.

I tell you this because my youngest son under went shoulder surgery a while back. He had his right shoulder 'scoped in an operation to repair some old sports injuries.

Watching Bobby lie there and wince - it definitely wasn't a flinch - as the nurse searched for a vein to insert an IV brought back memories of when SWMNBMM was bringing home children almost on a weekly basis. Way back then (I'm pretty sure my imagination was in black-and-white then) SWMNBMM had to have an IV while awaiting the birth of the second of our 327,212 children. Like a good spouse, I went to the hospital with her, and stood by watching TV while she got all her shots.

When it came time for the IV, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad was understandably nervous. After all, she had never had to have an IV before, so she was a bit worried about the pain involved.

"Do they hurt?" she asked, looking up at me with woeful eyes.

I took her hand in mine and said ... "I've never had one hurt me."

That seemed to settle her down. Almost like stroking a kitten's tummy.

The nurse came in and stabbed her in the arm several hundred times looking for a vein that was hiding better than Jimmy Hoffa.

When the procedure was done, SWMNBMM looked at me with eyes of rage and hissed, "you lied. You said it didn't hurt!"

"I didn't lie," I said. "I might have forgotten to tell you I have never had one...."

Just so you know, SWMNBMM didn't let Bobby ask me for advice when it came to his date with the IV. She made me sit in the waiting room.

Tommy Wells is the interim editor of the Seward Phoenix LOG. He swears everything in this column is true except for the parts that are made up, exaggerated or just plain lies.


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